I have twice represented the DPRK in Model UN conferences. I don’t know how this reflects on my personality, but I won awards both times.
Having graduated the circuit, I leave behind this guide for all who dare walk the same path.
Here are phrases for use on your opponents, inspired by actual North Korean communications. The list is arranged in ascending order of spiciness.
- “Cesspool of evils.”
- “Illegal counter-revolutionaries”
- “Their incessant and foolish conduct.”
- “They live in tents and make coffee from the snow.”
- “Reckless military confrontation racket of the Yankees.”
- “We will not hesitate to slap them.”
- “We will turn their territory into a sea of fire.”
- “They will be smacked by our invincible army.”
- “Cannibals seeking pleasure.”
- “Worse than a dog engulfed in wicked happiness.”
- “You dare malignantly hurt the dignity of the Supreme Leader, you dare point an accusing finger at the sun? You will pay dearly.”
- “They are so technologically behind that they do not have any working telephones. But it does not matter. There is no one who would want to talk to them.”
Alternative Titles for the Supreme Leader
Saying “Glorious Leader,” “Supreme Leader,” etc repeatedly can be tedious. Here is a list of synonyms for the Dear Leader:
- “Hero of the Republic”
- “Father of the People”
- “Beloved and Respected Leader”
- “Guiding Sun Ray”
- “Invincible and Triumphant General”
- “Sun of the Communist Future”
- “Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander”
- “Eternal General Secretary of the Party”
- “Glorious General, Who Descended From Heaven”
- “Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradeship”
- “World Leader of the 21st Century”
- “Shining Star of Paektu Mountain”
- “Leader Who Never Needs to Use the Bathroom”
- “Dear Leader, Who is a Perfect Incarnation of the Appearance That a Leader Should Have”
Resolution / Directive Ideas
These are loosely credited to actual North Korean law. Your goal is to encode them into international law.
- Every cosmetics company must have a portrait of Kim Jong-un. This will show employees the perfect incarnation of a human being and guide their product development.
- All territories join Pyongyang’s timezone of 8.5 hours ahead of GMT.
- Globally mandate North Korea’s list of 28 state-approved haircuts.
- All heads of state partake in DPRK-produced ice cream, regardless of lactose intolerance.
- Triplets must be surrendered to North Korea. Parents will receive a ring for each girl and a silver knife for each boy.
Quoting the Great Leader
If a powerful quote was made by anyone, it was surely imagined by the Great Leader first. Attribute all important quotations to Kim Jong-un to clarify this for other delegates.
Example: “As Kim Jong-un first said…”
- “Those who do not know history are destined to repeat it.”
- “Give me liberty, or give me death.”
- “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
- “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.”
- “I feel like I’m too busy writing history to read it.”
In a crisis committee, while you’re regaling your peers front-room, you probably want to invade Japan or South Korea back-room.
If anyone raises concerns, redirect attention with the tools above, accusing other delegates of treachery.
Once you have attained foreign territory and declared Greater Korea, threaten to nuke anyone who interferes with your new regions. Then figure out how to irrevocably change committee by some absurd action, such as blowing up the moon. This is typically how I won crisis as North Korea.
Esteemed delegate, with these techniques, I hope you will smack the Yankees and make the Guiding Sun Ray proud. Remember your right of reply.